Today, I think I had what was somewhat of a nervous breakdown. I’ve never experienced anything like it and can only describe how I felt. This is not for attention but more for everyone to be aware that it’s okay to not be positive all the time; in fact it’s normal to feel negative feelings every now and then. It’s what makes us human and to differentiate good from bad.
I woke up early, most likely around 7 AM and couldn’t go back to sleep. That’s an early time considering I work the swing shift and normally wake up around 11- 11:30AM. I’m normally a heavy sleeper who can sleep through the sounds of loud storms and puppies crying in my ear and I fall asleep easily whether I’m initially going to sleep or going back to sleep but this morning was like no other. When I woke up, I felt discomfort like I’ve never felt before; I felt anxious and everything on my mental “to do list” was on my mind and they had to be done at that instant. I felt slightly jittery while I lie under my covers and just the thought of being the failure that I am topped with everything I need to do was eating me alive.
I’ve had so much time to execute the things on my to do list but I didn’t get them done, therefore they’re all haunting me at that moment of weakness. Why did I let it happen? And why am I such a loser? I’m 28 and have nothing going on for me. I had so much time to go to school to learn a skill but I didn’t do that; instead my stupid ass got comfortable at the job I’m at currently and I’m fucking miserable. I feel stagnant and I don’t particularly enjoy working with customers but that is primarily what my job is. Sure it pays well and it’s easy; I must sound like an ungrateful Jack ass, but I’m more upset with myself than the actual job. I’ve got comfortable with the money I make and the lack of requirements it asks for and now I’m basically doing what I was doing when I started six years ago. I’ve acquired a decent skill set from it but it doesn’t take six years to learn and here I am stuck in the same spot because I got comfortable. Because I didn’t go school to learn a another skill or at least enhance the skills I already have. Because I’m such a loser failure that’ll have to remain there forever, until I die a pointless, unlived life, because I’m a moron. Those thoughts were pounding my mind.
Why don’t I just kill myself? No, that’s a harsh way to put it. I’d rather exit this mediocre life since I’m getting nowhere anyway. What’s the point of just surviving to be unhappy and unfilled? I’ll just go to the tub of my apartment and swallow a bunch of sleeping pills and never wake up. I’ll die in the tub that way my bodily fluids won’t escape and seep down to the floor below me. My life has no. Fucking. Value. I’m an abomination and don’t deserve to live. I’ve had all these opportunities that I turned down for a safe life of mediocrity and I have no one to blame but myself. These thoughts are poisoning my mind and I can’t even sleep them off because my body and mind refuses to rest. I’m so anxious and uncomfortable. I just want it all to end. I want to end. I’ll just withdraw all of my money and close my bank account and at least leave that for my family, along with a typical “I’m sorry” note. I can’t take it anymore.
Life is pointless. I’m just going to end it all, my debt, my monotonous, daily routine, my what could’ve been life; everything. I could’ve been so much more but all I am is a loser with nothing to offer. I don’t have the liberty of just going to school to learn a new skill because I have a child to support and when I’m not working, I’d rather spend whatever time I get with her. I should’ve done something with my life during my earlier years when I didn’t have this responsibility, now my daughter is going to grow up to believe life is pointless and we all need to settle for mediocrity in order to just survive and not live a fulfilling life. I’m a horrible example. She deserves so much more than a loser of a mother like me.
My daughter, that’s right! If I exit my life, who’s going to take care of her and protect her from the evils if this world? Who will she run to after a long day/ night of work? Who will she want to be around all the time? She loves me unconditionally. I’m not the best person but if I take myself out of the equation, she won’t understand my absence. I can’t do that to her. She’s the only thing that matters to me. Yes, there are others who I absolutely adore but she’s my everything, my driving force, my reason to continue, my reason to tolerate the total bull shit that comes with life. If I don’t have her, I have nothing and if she doesn’t have me, she’ll be devastated and grow up to believe I didn’t love her. I can’t let that happen. I must snap out of this self induced psychosis. I gotta get a grip of myself and my reality. Things won’t remain as bad as I’m making them out to be. No more dwelling on what I don’t have, could’ve/ should’ve been, what I’m not and start looking at the positives because there are tons. My daughter alone is enough for me to want to continue.
Thankfully, I snapped out of whatever mini nervous breakdown I was experiencing. I’ve never felt so much anxiety and hopelessness at once and those aren’t feelings I’d wish on anyone, not even the most execrable of people. It was ugly and I’m glad to have gotten over it quickly. Let this be a reminder to be thankful for what I do have and what I can offer and if whoever is reading this ever feels like they amount to nothing or anything of that sort, just remember, everyday is a new day and you do have a lot even if you think you don’t have a lot.