My Mini Nervous Breakdown

Today, I think I had what was somewhat of a nervous breakdown. I’ve never experienced anything like it and can only describe how I felt. This is not for attention but more for everyone to be aware that it’s okay to not be positive all the time; in fact it’s normal to feel negative feelings every now and then. It’s what makes us human and to differentiate good from bad.

I woke up early, most likely around 7 AM and couldn’t go back to sleep. That’s an early time considering I work the swing shift and normally wake up around 11- 11:30AM. I’m normally a heavy sleeper who can sleep through the sounds of loud storms and puppies crying in my ear and I fall asleep easily whether I’m initially going to sleep or going back to sleep but this morning was like no other. When I woke up, I felt discomfort like I’ve never felt before; I felt anxious and everything on my mental “to do list” was on my mind and they had to be done at that instant. I felt slightly jittery while I lie under my covers and just the thought of being the failure that I am topped with everything I need to do was eating me alive.

I’ve had so much time to execute the things on my to do list but I didn’t get them done, therefore they’re all haunting me at that moment of weakness. Why did I let it happen? And why am I such a loser? I’m 28 and have nothing going on for me. I had so much time to go to school to learn a skill but I didn’t do that; instead my stupid ass got comfortable at the job I’m at currently and I’m fucking miserable. I feel stagnant and I don’t particularly enjoy working with customers but that is primarily what my job is. Sure it pays well and it’s easy; I must sound like an ungrateful Jack ass, but I’m more upset with myself than the actual job. I’ve got comfortable with the money I make and the lack of requirements it asks for and now I’m basically doing what I was doing when I started six years ago. I’ve acquired a decent skill set from it but it doesn’t take six years to learn and here I am stuck in the same spot because I got comfortable. Because I didn’t go school to learn a another skill or at least enhance the skills I already have. Because I’m such a loser failure that’ll have to remain there forever, until I die a pointless, unlived life, because I’m a moron. Those thoughts were pounding my mind.

Why don’t I just kill myself? No, that’s a harsh way to put it. I’d rather exit this mediocre life since I’m getting nowhere anyway. What’s the point of just surviving to be unhappy and unfilled? I’ll just go to the tub of my apartment and swallow a bunch of sleeping pills and never wake up. I’ll die in the tub that way my bodily fluids won’t escape and seep down to the floor below me. My life has no. Fucking. Value. I’m an abomination and don’t deserve to live. I’ve had all these opportunities that I turned down for a safe life of mediocrity and I have no one to blame but myself. These thoughts are poisoning my mind and I can’t even sleep them off because my body and mind refuses to rest. I’m so anxious and uncomfortable. I just want it all to end. I want to end. I’ll just withdraw all of my money and close my bank account and at least leave that for my family, along with a typical “I’m sorry” note. I can’t take it anymore.

Life is pointless. I’m just going to end it all, my debt, my monotonous, daily routine, my what could’ve been life; everything. I could’ve been so much more but all I am is a loser with nothing to offer. I don’t have the liberty of just going to school to learn a new skill because I have a child to support and when I’m not working, I’d rather spend whatever time I get with her. I should’ve done something with my life during my earlier years when I didn’t have this responsibility, now my daughter is going to grow up to believe life is pointless and we all need to settle for mediocrity in order to just survive and not live a fulfilling life. I’m a horrible example. She deserves so much more than a loser of a mother like me.

My daughter, that’s right! If I exit my life, who’s going to take care of her and protect her from the evils if this world? Who will she run to after a long day/ night of work? Who will she want to be around all the time? She loves me unconditionally. I’m not the best person but if I take myself out of the equation, she won’t understand my absence. I can’t do that to her. She’s the only thing that matters to me. Yes, there are others who I absolutely adore but she’s my everything, my driving force, my reason to continue, my reason to tolerate the total bull shit that comes with life. If I don’t have her, I have nothing and if she doesn’t have me, she’ll be devastated and grow up to believe I didn’t love her. I can’t let that happen. I must snap out of this self induced psychosis. I gotta get a grip of myself and my reality. Things won’t remain as bad as I’m making them out to be. No more dwelling on what I don’t have, could’ve/ should’ve been, what I’m not and start looking at the positives because there are tons. My daughter alone is enough for me to want to continue.

Thankfully, I snapped out of whatever mini nervous breakdown I was experiencing. I’ve never felt so much anxiety and hopelessness at once and those aren’t feelings I’d wish on anyone, not even the most execrable of people. It was ugly and I’m glad to have gotten over it quickly. Let this be a reminder to be thankful for what I do have and what I can offer and if whoever is reading this ever feels like they amount to nothing or anything of that sort, just remember, everyday is a new day and you do have a lot even if you think you don’t have a lot.

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Just Some Art Advice

Things aren’t going to be perfect right away. We all want it to be perfect on our first try, whether you’re drawing, painting, writing, etc.

This is going to be a charcoal drawing of my friend and her fiance. As you can see it doesn’t look like much right now; it could be me and a character from Doug. All art pieces have to start somewhere; they’re all just lines and shading/ coloring when you think about it.


These are a couple of my first timers as far as oil pastels go. As you can see, I used them like crayons; technically there’s no right or wrong way to do art, but oil pastels weren’t really meant to be used like crayons.

After trial and error, I was better able to use the oil pastels in this drawing.


Before

After

Remember, you can’t expect the first line, the first stroke, the first word, first whatever you’re doing to be the same as your outcome of the piece you’re working on. Just work through it and see where it takes you. That’s the beauty of art.

9 Signs You Should (maybe) Quit Your Job Now

9 Signs You Should (Maybe) Quit Your Job Now


I didn’t type this but I really felt I can relate to a lot of those signs. My job isn’t a bad job and I love my bosses and some of my co-workers but I’ve outgrown a customer service oriented job. ๐Ÿ˜– I’m an introvert by nature and I’m forced to be around strangers five days out of the week; it’s detrimental to my mental health. It’s helped me grow as a person during the first few years but I’ve learned all I can and now I’m just stuck doing the same thing with no interest in climbing the ladder. I do hope to do something I love for a living; I know there will be days that aren’t favorable but I want to enjoy what I do.

Watch “How to Let Go of Your Past and Move Forward” on YouTube

I give a lot of thanks to Ralph Smart for helping me keep my head up. He doesn’t know me and I don’t know him personally but watching his videos and listening to him really does good for my mental health. I remember first seeing one of his videos when I was in a deep depression.

My Tumblr blog about Societal Standards

“They want us all to be the same. One faceless mass of morons who follow the same fads. I’ll speak more from a woman’s point of view because, well I am a woman, a biological one as well.

We’re expected to look a certain way. They want us to spend hours to get ready so we can alter our natural features. The worst part is that we spend money on all this expensive makeup, but when we die, will it really matter? Not only our faces are supposed to be immaculately altered but our hair is supposed to be “done” all the time. We can’t just wash our hair and put it in a bun without some man, or anyone, for that matter to make a snide comment about it being unbrushed/ unwashed when in reality it was thoroughly cleaned and completely brushed. On top of looking good from the head up, we’re expected to to have an amazing figure. Big tits, small waist and a full set of hips. If we have C cups or smaller, we’re considered to have “no boobs,” and the worst part is some of your so called female friends are the ones who perpetuate that ridiculous standard; then superficial men tag along with those beliefs. Thankfully, people are warming up to the fact that not all women can attain a hip to waist ratio of under .7 but it’s still preferable to have that tiny waist and big hips.

Now that the looks are covered, let’s not forget the other things that are expected of us. These may and can apply to men as well. Our education and career. So, what is it? We’re ideally supposed to have a degree and a career by 25-26? You know, it’s kinda hard to decide what we’re going to do for the rest of our life when all of our life we’re pretty much rewired to hold certain beliefs and it doesn’t help when we have friends and family telling us what we should do it where to work. They most likely mean well, but are we happy with it? Are we choosing an education that will really get where we truly want to be, or are we choosing it because we feel pressured? Let’s be honest, most of us don’t know a whole lot of people who have at least a bachelor’s degree and a satisfying career by that age range. Most people work a job that they don’t want to be working for the rest of their life to pay off student debt or are trying to save money for their education.

What about marriage? We all NEED to have a partner. We’re not allowed to be single and happy. We need to have a life partner to be there for all the life changing events in your life as well as the mundane day to day activities. Nevermind if your partner is toxic for you; it’s more acceptable to have a shitty partner than to be single with a sound mind. Yes, marriage can be beautiful and if it works for them, then good for them but it’s lousy to believe everyone needs to be married.

We just need to quit living by society’s standards. I’m aware we have our own preferences in what we’re attracted to or what we do and don’t find attractive but it’s very unnecessary and shallow to place those aesthetic standards on everyone else. What works for one person or people doesn’t work for all. Let’s just stop caring about what’s expected of us, mind our own business and live life the best way that works for us. ~

https://nikkropolis.tumblr.com/post/179711874949/societal-standards

I think I’m an “Ace”

I’ve been reading on asexuality for a while. I do believe I fall somewhere in that spectrum. I have no interest in sex and I have absolutely zero interest in romance. Sure, I can find a guy handsome but I can also find a woman beautiful yet to me, they’re the same; I have no sexual attraction to either of them.

I’m not a virgin and I do have a daughter but now that I look back, I have an explanation for the way things happened. I was 23 when I “lost” my virginity and I had what was supposed to be sex with him, only twice. I believe that was a self fulfilling prophecy because I do remember when I was 12, I didn’t want to lose my virginity until I was 23. As I got closer to 23, I got more embarrassed of being that “old” for a virgin.

I remember being embarrassed of being a virgin all throughout highschool because my unattractive and out of shape friends already lost their virginity and when I finally started working at my current job, I didn’t want everyone to know I was still a virgin. I was still embarrassed at my lack of sexual “experience” since my first partner had me twice; the first incident being under a minute. I decided to let a one night stand happen with a guy I had a crush on at the gym I was going to since it’s such a shame for a 24 year old to only have been intimate twice in her life.

Then I turned 25 and I technically only had sex three different times. I was still embarrassed and ashamed of my lack of experience. Then came along a gentleman that would change my life forever. I didn’t think much of him at first but as we started to get to know each other and he was showing genuine interest in what I had to say and displayed manners, I became infatuated with him.

Fast forward to a few months after that, we became intimate. I loved him and he couldn’t do any wrong so I let it happen. That doing didn’t end so well but I did end up having a daughter by him and I don’t regret it at all.

My sperm donor was the last person I was intimate with and it’s been almost three years since we were that close. I have no desire to be intimate with anyone not any desire to have romance in my life. I only enjoy platonic relationships.

No, I’m not heartbroken and waiting for my last partner to mend things with me and I didn’t let him “ruin my views on relationships;” I just really think I’m an ace. I’ve never really had an actual relationship that lasted at least a year and I’ve only had three partners in my life. I don’t crave sex or romance. I may say things in jest about an attractive man, but I don’t act out on it. I’ve only had one crush since my last partner and I do believe the cause of the crush was not only to have something to look forward to at work but also the taboo factor in it (which I might mention in a later blog).