My Mini Nervous Breakdown

Today, I think I had what was somewhat of a nervous breakdown. I’ve never experienced anything like it and can only describe how I felt. This is not for attention but more for everyone to be aware that it’s okay to not be positive all the time; in fact it’s normal to feel negative feelings every now and then. It’s what makes us human and to differentiate good from bad.

I woke up early, most likely around 7 AM and couldn’t go back to sleep. That’s an early time considering I work the swing shift and normally wake up around 11- 11:30AM. I’m normally a heavy sleeper who can sleep through the sounds of loud storms and puppies crying in my ear and I fall asleep easily whether I’m initially going to sleep or going back to sleep but this morning was like no other. When I woke up, I felt discomfort like I’ve never felt before; I felt anxious and everything on my mental “to do list” was on my mind and they had to be done at that instant. I felt slightly jittery while I lie under my covers and just the thought of being the failure that I am topped with everything I need to do was eating me alive.

I’ve had so much time to execute the things on my to do list but I didn’t get them done, therefore they’re all haunting me at that moment of weakness. Why did I let it happen? And why am I such a loser? I’m 28 and have nothing going on for me. I had so much time to go to school to learn a skill but I didn’t do that; instead my stupid ass got comfortable at the job I’m at currently and I’m fucking miserable. I feel stagnant and I don’t particularly enjoy working with customers but that is primarily what my job is. Sure it pays well and it’s easy; I must sound like an ungrateful Jack ass, but I’m more upset with myself than the actual job. I’ve got comfortable with the money I make and the lack of requirements it asks for and now I’m basically doing what I was doing when I started six years ago. I’ve acquired a decent skill set from it but it doesn’t take six years to learn and here I am stuck in the same spot because I got comfortable. Because I didn’t go school to learn a another skill or at least enhance the skills I already have. Because I’m such a loser failure that’ll have to remain there forever, until I die a pointless, unlived life, because I’m a moron. Those thoughts were pounding my mind.

Why don’t I just kill myself? No, that’s a harsh way to put it. I’d rather exit this mediocre life since I’m getting nowhere anyway. What’s the point of just surviving to be unhappy and unfilled? I’ll just go to the tub of my apartment and swallow a bunch of sleeping pills and never wake up. I’ll die in the tub that way my bodily fluids won’t escape and seep down to the floor below me. My life has no. Fucking. Value. I’m an abomination and don’t deserve to live. I’ve had all these opportunities that I turned down for a safe life of mediocrity and I have no one to blame but myself. These thoughts are poisoning my mind and I can’t even sleep them off because my body and mind refuses to rest. I’m so anxious and uncomfortable. I just want it all to end. I want to end. I’ll just withdraw all of my money and close my bank account and at least leave that for my family, along with a typical “I’m sorry” note. I can’t take it anymore.

Life is pointless. I’m just going to end it all, my debt, my monotonous, daily routine, my what could’ve been life; everything. I could’ve been so much more but all I am is a loser with nothing to offer. I don’t have the liberty of just going to school to learn a new skill because I have a child to support and when I’m not working, I’d rather spend whatever time I get with her. I should’ve done something with my life during my earlier years when I didn’t have this responsibility, now my daughter is going to grow up to believe life is pointless and we all need to settle for mediocrity in order to just survive and not live a fulfilling life. I’m a horrible example. She deserves so much more than a loser of a mother like me.

My daughter, that’s right! If I exit my life, who’s going to take care of her and protect her from the evils if this world? Who will she run to after a long day/ night of work? Who will she want to be around all the time? She loves me unconditionally. I’m not the best person but if I take myself out of the equation, she won’t understand my absence. I can’t do that to her. She’s the only thing that matters to me. Yes, there are others who I absolutely adore but she’s my everything, my driving force, my reason to continue, my reason to tolerate the total bull shit that comes with life. If I don’t have her, I have nothing and if she doesn’t have me, she’ll be devastated and grow up to believe I didn’t love her. I can’t let that happen. I must snap out of this self induced psychosis. I gotta get a grip of myself and my reality. Things won’t remain as bad as I’m making them out to be. No more dwelling on what I don’t have, could’ve/ should’ve been, what I’m not and start looking at the positives because there are tons. My daughter alone is enough for me to want to continue.

Thankfully, I snapped out of whatever mini nervous breakdown I was experiencing. I’ve never felt so much anxiety and hopelessness at once and those aren’t feelings I’d wish on anyone, not even the most execrable of people. It was ugly and I’m glad to have gotten over it quickly. Let this be a reminder to be thankful for what I do have and what I can offer and if whoever is reading this ever feels like they amount to nothing or anything of that sort, just remember, everyday is a new day and you do have a lot even if you think you don’t have a lot.

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I’m Sorry

I’m sorry I’m not good enough

I’m sorry I don’t reach your expectations

I’m sorry I’m not perfect

I’m sorry I didn’t follow your path

I’m sorry I always mess up

I’m sorry I can’t seem to make you happy

I’m sorry I don’t share your beliefs

I’m sorry I don’t think like you

I’m sorry I don’t agree with you all the time

I’m sorry I can’t be in two places at once

I’m sorry I can’t work and do everything else

I’m sorry I’m not like my sister

I’m sorry there’s something wrong with me

I’m sorry I can never please you


Thoughts from my past have risen

Sometimes I can’t be forgiven

My words went unsaid

Now all I feel is dread

All I do is anticipate

These feelings of hate

Why wasn’t I good enough?

I’ve done a bunch of stuff

Not only for just me

But also my family

I’ve sacrificed my a lot

Just to hear what I am not

I thought I was doing okay

Until I was antagonized everyday

It made me feel unappreciated

And that’s when I hated

Someone close to me

Because of how they treated me

They only looked for my flaws

Even though I put my life on pause

So they could love comfortably

While I was treated ungratefully

But I forgive the past

Because that treatment didn’t last.


Just some thoughts I’ve had in the past. I won’t get into too much detail, yet about who exactly this was about but I can thankfully say it’s not like that anymore.

Bearded Reedling Drawing

So, I was scrolling on Pinterest and a suggested pin was of this cute, fluffy birdy. I saved the picture but it didn’t have the name of the bird. Luckily, my awesome Google Pixel phone (yes, first gen) has this feature called “Google Lens,” so it’s able to find similar and relevant pictures or information of what the image is. One of the options that came up was an image of a “bearded tit,” also called “reedling.” I clicked on it and it brought me to a Google search of it with a bunch of pictures.

They are some cute little fellas, aren’t they? I had dozens of photos to choose from but I really liked this image I saw of it hanging onto a skinny branch with it’s tiny talons. I’m not the best at drawing realistic animals in color, which I’ve mentioned before in my other blog post of my Finished Great Horned Owl Drawing but I must admit I’m happy with how this came out.

I’ve come to realize that I really like birds. I appreciate their beauty and I’m really starting to enjoy drawing them and coloring them. They’re such graceful creatures and so many to choose from as you admire them from afar.. or draw them in my case. So many colors to choose from and so many different types from cute to bold.

This definitely won’t be the last bird I draw. There will be many more and hopefully I improve with drawing and coloring realistic animals. I need to take my own advice, as I’ve said in my other blog post Just Some Art Advice that I can’t expect the first line I draw to look like the final product. It’ll take time and patience to put out art you’re, I, in this case, am proud of.

You can even see for yourself that the first picture I took of my drawing does not look like the last picture I took of the final outcome. By the way, I’m really enjoying drawing on black paper.. and so is my daughter! I’m not really sure if you can tell that in this picture she added some spice to my drawing by marking it with a glittered, purple crayon. Can you believe this girl? She had her own sketch pad in front of her but no, she had to draw on mommy’s significantly smaller sketch pad.

I still didn’t get rid of the mark of my daughter. It’ll be nice to look back at. Simple moments like these are valuable treasures.

And look, it still came out looking good. I’m happy with it. Of course there are other artists who can draw one of these to look like it’s an actual photo taken by a camera but I’m not one of those kinds of artists; I’m me and I’m happy with it. We’re all unique and we must remember that. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as you enjoyed looking at my art. Thank you. 😊

Ruined My Life (Poem)

I think I ruined my life

I’ve never felt so much strife

I cannot fight this feeling of regret

My soul is in so much debt

I feel like I cannot go on

This race I’m running cannot be won

I cannot see a better day

I just want this sadness to go away

Why is this feeling lingering so much?

It has me feeling out of touch

I cannot seem to make things better

I am becoming the biggest regretter

I cannot stop feeling down

It makes me look like a big clown

I wish there were a way to make it leave

I guess the first step is to start to believe

I can’t go on living like this

It has me feeling very lifeless

I just want to find true harmony

But happiness looks very far from me

When will things start to look good

Probably when my feelings are better understood

I cannot fathom that this is living

Now is the time to start forgiving

I’ve made my decision to let go of strife

Now I’ve realize I didn’t ruin my life

To My Daughter (Poem)

You’re everything to me

That’s why I live happily

You’re one I’ll always love

Even when push come to shove

You’re my shining star

Even when better times seem far

You’re everything and more

And who I absolutely adore

You’re my motivation

When I’m in stagnation

You’re who a mother needs

Because you’re the best of my seeds

You are my heart

So we’ll never be apart

You make my life fulfilling

Even if the glass is spilling

With you, I have it all

And I cannot fall

No Heart (Poem)

How do I live when I don’t have a heart

The life I’m living is tearing me apart

How can I get through this terrible day?

Nothing about this makes me want to stay

I’m doing the same thing over for no reason

I originally hoped it’ll only last for a season

All this has done is make me feel numb

But I keep doing it daily, making me dumb

How can I continue living with no heart?

I’ve seem to have lost it, or it fell apart

What a wonderful day, but I choose to waste it

And I wonder why bitter is all I’ve tasted

I wonder if I could ever get lucky again

Because I know this is not exactly the end

I have better choices that I know I can make

But having a heart and drive is what it’ll take

I’ve seem to have lost my will and my heart

And for that reason is why I can’t start

Will I ever be able to just get away

Because none of this make me want to stay

I’ve been there and done with no results

But at least I was able to see and revise my faults

Life can be fun, even I can admit

So, I must have a heart so I can live it

Where has it gone? I keep asking myself why

But to no avail the search has made me cry

Maybe I’m looking in the wrong direction

Or maybe it’s in the mirror, my reflection

I cannot find it, where has it gone?

Maybe I’ll receive it when my race is won

I’m not much of a runner, I can’t keep going

But I’m eager to find my heart is what I’m showing

I think I’ve found it, but not where I expected

Somewhere, internally is where it was detected

I think I am living now that I found my heart

I’ve always had it right from the start

Visitors (Poem)

When I awoke

I was so shook

Seeing you stand there

With a malevolent glare

Was I just dreaming?

When I saw your ship beaming?

Will you take me away?

Will I not see another day?

I suspect I’ll be an experiment

And far away, I’ll be sent

That night, I was lucky

That they didn’t abduct me

I’ll never forget that night

It sure gave me such a fright

Seeing those grey humanoids

Has given me all sorts of paranoids

Safe is something I’ll never know

Because they can come up and show

At any time they please

And they’ll do it with such ease.

That’s All I Can Say (Poem)

Everyday I’m fighting

Because I’ve lost the sighting

On my purpose to live

Myself, I can’t forgive

Because I’m depressed

And also stressed

With what I should “be”

Which makes me unhappy

I can’t find the light

And I’m losing the fight

To my inner demons

I barely have any reasons

To continue to go on

I want to be gone

Away from society

So they can’t look down at me

I want to feel alive

And also thrive

But how can move along

When I am not that strong

I need to have the will

And a purpose to fulfill

I sometimes hate being me

Because sadness is my only company

I let it get this way

That’s all I can say